


You Can't Stay A Saint That Long in the City

by lovegabanti



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:01:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovegabanti/pseuds/lovegabanti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know how you feel when you aren't exactly physically ill but you just feel so incredibly off and your insides just feel generally squished and you’re all kinds of uncomfortable but you can’t figure out how to fix it because your stupid brain gets all befuddled and you think that you should be okay so you tell yourself to suck it up and pretend and sometimes it’s just enough so that you just are like not even able to do anything except exist but inside you really aren't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“What the fuck am I even doing here?” Spencer mumbles, looking down at his drums, shaking his head. He closes his eyes, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck.

 

“What’s going on Spence?” Jon comes up behind him and begins massaging his shoulders, Spencer leaning into the touch. “You’re tense as hell.”

 

“Just....tired.” He was tired of Ryan and Brent’s constant bickering, and of Brendon running off from practice crying because he hated when people yelled. Ryan always felt guilty as hell afterwards, but he never noticed before Brendon had already ran out of the room. Spencer was worried, he’s done this ever since he got out of highschool, he doesn’t know anything besides drumming. He feels like screaming but he doesn’t think anyone would hear. What if he isn’t good enough? He was worried about the band and his friends and his future and he was starting to doubt his ability to even be a drummer. Weren't they supposed to be solid ground for the rest of the band?

 

As Jon looks him up and down, he appears beat. His eyes are tired and purple underneath, his shoulders slumped and he looking really worn out.

 

“C’mon, let’s take a break.” Jon nodded towards the door.

 

“Shouldn’t you be with TAI? Besides, I’ve got too much to do, I-I can’t.” Spencer looks down at his drum kit. He thinks about when he used to enjoy this, when it was all he lived for. “I’m all washed up and I’m only 19,” he mumbles mostly to himself. Jon can hear, though.

 

“Hey, no. No,” Jon shakes his head, “you’re not, really. You’re amazing. Talk to me, Smith. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Noticing the boy’s reluctance, he takes his hand and leads Spencer off of the stage and through the venue, ignoring his small noises of protest. He winds them through hallways and eventually they emerge out of the side door and head to the busses. Quickly bypassing the Panic bus, Jon takes them onto the Academy’s and into the back lounge. “The guys won’t mind, they love you. Besides, you look like you’d rather not be near any more fighting for a while. Just relax, seriously.” Jon smiles and sits on a most comfortable looking loveseat, patting the place next to him.

 

“I..yeah. Thanks, Jon.” Spencer shyly sits next to him, tense as ever. Jon rolls his eyes, moving so his arms are around Spencers waist, turning them so their legs are draped over the end and Spencer is against Jon’s chest. He smiles when he feels Spencer relax a bit as he places his hands on top of Jon’s, resting on the younger boy’s stomach.

 

“Walkers are known for giving good hugs, you know,” Spencer settles against him, nodding in agreement and leaning his head back where it fits perfectly on Jon’s shoulder. “but we’re even better listeners. You’re hurting Spence, let me help. Please?”

 

“I-I don’t know Jon.” He trails off, and Jon begins rubbing small circles into his side with his thumb. They sit in silence for a few minutes, but all Spencer does is get more and more worked up. Feeling his resolve crumbling, he lets out a shaky breath and resumes speaking in a shaky murmur. “I just feel sick, all of the time. I’m so tired of the fighting and the arguments and everything, and I-I’m so terrified that it’s going to rip us apart. Ryan’s my best friend, and he and this band mean the world to me. Or at least...I thought they did. Now though, I just feel so squished and battered and dejected and uncomfortable. It’s like there’s this mountain looming overhead that I have to keep it standing or else it’ll crush us but I’m so tired and I can’t breathe. There’s so much pressure to be in this business, and so much stress and I can’t keep doing this but I don’t know what else I would do and I know that this is stupid because I should be able to fix this but I can’t and if I’m drowning and my bones are being crushed then I have to ignore it and smile and be Spencer because I-i have to be okay for them. I wish I knew how to be good enough, but I’m not. Ryan has his words and he has Brendon to sing them. Brendon is happy as Ryan’s voice. Brent couldn’t care less about any of this. But I have to keep us together and for that I have to not be like this but I’m broken and we’re going to fall apart and it’s going to be all my fault and it’s too much too too much a-a-and there’s n-no-thing I-i can d-do-” he stops as the tears he had been trying so desperately to hold back came flooding as Spencer started shaking with the force of the sobs crashing through him.

 

Jon holds onto him tighter, turning so he can properly wrap his arms around Spencer’s waist and rub his back. He doesn’t know if he should say anything, but his eyes are stinging and he can’t leave it with Spencer feeling like this. “Spence, you can’t put this much shit on your plate, man. You’re one of the bravest, most heartfelt people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. But...stress like this is gonna kill you, Spencer. And yeah, it’s hard to make it in the music business, but jesus, no one was meant to do it alone. Talk to them, stupid. They’ll listen, they really will. You-you don’t have to be everything. You just gotta be Spencer. I-fuck. I don’t know what we’d do if we lost you. Don’t know what I’d do. You’re special as hell, you need to know that. You can do anything in the whole wide world, but you’ve gotta know when to lean on somebody’s shoulder. And I’m here. Anytime, I’m here. We all are. You aren’t alone in this.” Jon holds him until the tremors subside, whispering gentle nothingness into Spencer’s hair. And if he kisses the top of his head more than once, no one says anything. Spencer resides to taking big, shaky breaths. He lifts his head to look up at Jon, who wipes the younger boy’s eyes with the tips of his thumbs. “It’s gonna be okay, Spinny. Anything you need, I’ll be there.”

 

Spencer tilts his head up slightly and gently presses his lips to the man’s jaw. “You’re here, Jon. ‘S all I ever wanted.”

 

They fall asleep just like that, Jon saying how Spencer’s gone and worn himself out, how he’s safe with Jon and needn’t to be concerned about anything. Legs entwined, Spencer sleeps without worrying about a million and twelve things, dreaming of love and happily ever afters.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, when William Beckett opens the door and peeks inside to find Jon softly stroking Spencer’s hair, he smiles at them and points to his watch. Jon shakes the boy gently. He reminds Spencer of performance times and costumes to get into. He opens his eyes widely, tension already building. But Jon reaches for his hand and tells Spencer he believes in him, and that he’ll be right off stage if needed be.

 

When Spencer goes on stage that night, for the first in far too long, he can breathe.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know how you feel when you aren’t exactly physically ill but you just feel so incredibly off and your insides just feel generally squished and you’re all kinds of uncomfortable but you can’t figure out how to fix it because your stupid brain gets all befuddled and you think that you should be okay so you tell yourself to suck it up and pretend and sometimes it’s just enough so that you just are like not even able to do anything except exist but inside you really aren’t.

  After the show, as Brendon lounges in a particularly fluffy arm chair and tries to ignore the pointed stares Brent and Ryan share, arguing over the base line in one of the newer songs as Ryan listens to his ipod, Spencer texts Jon. He's taken by surprise when Jon replies almost immediately.  

  
  
  _ **"hlp gonna ask guys bout it. scared. wish u were here jwalk. - spin"**_

  
  
   ** _"i believe in u. but can be there in -5min, if u need. -j"_**

 

  "H-hey. Guys?" Spencer looks up from his phone, taking a deep breath. 

  
  
  "Sup, Spence?" Brendon asks. Seeing how tense he was, Brendon makes his way across the room, pulling an ear bud out of Ryan's ear and gesturing towards Spencer, before siting on the couch next to the fragile looking boy. Brent looks up at them half heartily. 

  
  
   "I. A-are we going anywhere, with this? This band? I love you guys, so much, but I c-can't keep doing this. Th-the fighting and the arguments.  If this isn't gonna work then I gotta know so I can make plans. I-I think m-maybe you should find another drummer." Spencer looks down at his hands, voice cracking. 

  
  "Spence, no. Absolutely not." Ryan gets up, tossing his ipod down on the table and walking over to sit on the other side of Spencer. 

  
  
  Spencer looks down at his lap, shaking his head. Brent looks up, interested now. 

  
  
  "Guys, if Spencer wants to leave, I know a guy who mig-" He tries, sounding almost hopeful.

  
  
  "Not a chance in hell." Brendon says firmly, but looking scared. "Don't leave, Spencer."

    
  
  "Shut  _up_ , Brent!" Ryan all but snarls at the boy. "No one is replacing Spencer!" 

  
  
  "You're just sentimental, because your best friends a pussy." Brent sneers. 

  
  
  "You shut your fucking mouth!" Ryan turns to Spencer, softer now. "We can work something out, really." 

  
  
  "Spencer's right, Ryry." Brendon takes a deep breath before looking up at the boy. "The fighting, it's too much. I-I can't."

  
  
  "Maybe I should leave then! I'm tired of no one listening to what I have to say, and I'm fucking done with you dicks!" Brent says, moving to his bag to start packing his clothes. 

  
  
  "You don't get to do this to us!" Ryan snarls. "Abandon us without a bassist? Even a shitty one like you!" Fists clenched, he leaps at Brent and tackles him to the ground. 

  
  
  "You should know," Brent coughs, pinning Ryan to the ground. "Shitty lyricist." Ryan gets a hand free and Slams his fist into Brent's jaw, rolling into the coffee table.

 

  
  "Guys, guys stop! Please!" Brendon cries, running forward, trying to break them up. A stray punch hits Brendon in the nose, but they don't notice. Spencer takes him back to the couch, sitting beside him. Brendon whimpers softly, pushing his hair back.

  
  
  "Just hold on, I know someone who can fix this. I think. You want ice?" Spencer asks, tipping Brendon's head back gently to inspect the damage. He shakes his head, leaning on Spencer's shoulder as he trembles.

  
  
  "Just make it stop, Spence, please." Brendon begs, squeezing his eyes tightly. 

  
  
    _ **"come pls things not good ppl leaving?"**_ Spencer sends quickly, simultaneously trying to shield Brendon as best he can. A shoe comes flying past Spencer's face, and Brendon ducks, squealing. They sit in horror as words are screamed and punches are thrown. Four minutes tick by.  

  
  
  The door's handle turns before swinging open, revealing a panting Jon Walker, already striding across the room and kneeling down in front of Spencer. 

  
  
  "Hi Spin." Jon kisses his cheek where tears have started to fall. "I've got this." He winks before striding across the room and grabbing a hold of Ryan's wrist, leading him backwards and away from Brent.

  
  
  "Bearded-person! Put. Me. Down!" Ryan thrashes but Jon just secures his other wrist and leads him to sit on the couch. 

  
  
  "Ryan, right?" Jon asks. Brent steams in the corner, having returned to packing his things. 

  
  
  "Yes...." He replies, eyes narrowed. 

  
  
  "I'm Jon Walker, nice to meet you." Jon holds out his hand. Ryan looks at him incredulously. "I...play bass."

  
  
  "You good?" Ryan asks, hopeful. Jon releases his hold of Ryan and picks up the bass Brent leaned against the wall. He starts strumming, and almost immediately they can pick up the part to "Lying...", played almost flawlessly. 

  
  
  "Dude, that's better than I can play it." Ryan stares up at him, eyes wide. "And I wrote it. You're not punking me, are you? Jon Walker if you are not planning to join this band right now I'm gonna-"

  
  "Cool it, dude. Of course I will, Jesus." Jon laughs, ruffling Ryan's hair before moving to sit next to Spencer. 

  
  "Hot damn." Brendon says, breathless. "We have a bassist."

  
  Spencer looks over at him with blind hope, a small smile starting to appear. Brendon looks relieved as Ryan's expression softens. As Brent rolls his eyes and storms out, Ryan relaxes, looking over at Brendon for the first time.  

 

  
  "Bren." Ryan looks horrified. "Yo-your nose. Fuck, I'm." Brendon shrugs, brushing it off. "N-no. Brendon, fuck. I'm an asshole. I'm so so sorry."

 

  
  "Ryan, I'm good, okay?"

 

  
  "No, hey. Let me make it up to you." Ryan smiles sweetly, "Slurpee's on me, I'm pretty sure I saw a place down the block." 

 

  "Well, if you insist." Brendon giggles, taking Ryan's outstretched hand and heading towards the door.

 

  "Wait. We okay, Spence?" Ryan asks, turning around.

 

  "Yeah, we're good." Spencer smiles. "I've got a good feeling about this one. Go take Brendon out before he gets distracted by a bird or something." 

 

  
  "I-I should. Yeah. Fuck, thanks Spence. Jon." He smiles before shutting the door behind him.

 

  "Jon." Spencer collapses against the man's chest, deflating after the evening of stress. 

 

  "Hm?"

 

  
  "You're my fucking night in shining armor, oh my god." He says, breathless. 

 

  "I try." He smirks, entwining his hand with Spencer's.

 

  "So...y'know." Spencer says suddenly. "Brendon usually takes forever to do anything, and Ryan's been talking about how he wanted to take Brendon to a park or something for like, ever. They're not going to be back, for quite a while."

 

  "Really?" Jon smiles placing his hand on Spencer's hip and bending to kiss his lips. 

 

  "Would you like to see your new home for this tour, Jon Walker?" Spencer smiles seductively, feels Jon shift as he starts to get hard from under him.

 

  "Gladly." He all but chokes out, letting Spencer lead the way. 

 


End file.
